So technically I’m taking suggestions here. I mean, I think we’re doing it mostly right, if level of difficulty is any indication.
Because so far, teaching our kids to be responsible little people seems to involve an awful lot of biting my tongue, sitting on my hands so I don’t rush to do something the “right” way, and letting them fall flat on their own little faces sometimes.
I’m all about modeling good behavior. I say please and thank you to my kiddos, and I expect to hear it back. I have expectations for their involvement around the house – keeping their rooms tidy, making their beds every morning, putting away their clean laundry and making sure dirty clothes go in the hamper, putting shoes/coats/backpacks away, keeping track of their own stuff.
So yes, my kids have responsibilities. And those responsibilities are tailored to their ages and abilities. My son doesn’t make his bed the way I would, and they just shove everything into that play kitchen instead of organizing the food and cups and plates the way I do, and they cram clothes into their drawers in a way that defeats the entire purpose of me even folding them, but it’s the effort in these instances, not the results (at least, that’s what I keep telling myself).
But things get tricky when this whole concept of responsibility extends into them being responsible for their actions and their consequences.
And I’m not talking about wrinkly clothes.
Our oldest is eight. He just began the third grade. He’s a smart kid and doesn’t really have to try too hard to do well (which is probably a post for another day). But he’s eight, and when he messes up, even when it’s not that big of a deal, well, he feels it. Hard.
I understand that he doesn’t quite have the capacity or the resources to gracefully deal with the fall-out of things he’s done or said or forgotten just yet. I get that learning how to do just that is going to help him grow into a responsible adult. And this is where I struggle.
Instead of letting him deal with the consequences of his actions, I want to save him from them – even though I know better.
He has a little book where he records his homework, and there’s a box for me or his dad to sign every night. A few weeks ago, he forgot the book at school and spent the entire evening angsting about it.
I was totally calm and cool at first, offering sympathy and hugs. I pointed out that his teacher is very chill and the consequence likely wouldn’t be, you know, death by quartering.
But I started to lose patience fast, and well, I’m kind of ashamed to admit that I got pretty short with him and then I actually debated emailing his teacher that night to bring her up to speed so my son could see for himself that it wasn’t that big of a deal and I could have some freaking peace and quiet.
But don’t judge, because I didn’t. Instead, when he tearfully told me that he’d have to miss recess the next day because he forgot his homework book, I told him I was sorry to hear it but, you know, those are the breaks.
And then I got him to school a little early the next morning so he could grab his homework book for me to sign.
I honestly can’t decide if that’s an example of me swooping in to save him or not. I mean, he was a mess that night. Isn’t that a lesson in itself? Did he really need to miss that recess for the lesson to fully sink in? Did I undo all that he had learned about being responsible for himself?
Maybe. But it’s been two weeks, but he hasn’t forgotten that book since.
I guess I think there’s a balancing act to this whole teaching and learning responsibility thing. For me, getting there early on a day when we had the extra time didn’t cross the line in a way that contacting his teacher directly really would.
Maybe we have to figure this stuff out on a case-by-case basis, just like we do with pretty much everything as parents. Lucky us, right?
But I’m still open to better ideas if you’ve got them.
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